Protecting your children during the divorce process should be a primary goal during this trying time. While there are plenty of other things to sort out in a divorce like property and finances, children are the most precious of anything a couple could argue about and are also the most fragile.
Attempting to minimize conflict and to ensuring that your kids are not placed in the middle of the conflict will set them up for a better long-term outcome than any amount of money or property gained from a divorce. Children should never feel as if they need to choose between their parents or that they must are responsible for the divorce or solving their parents’ emotional needs.
Divorces can and usually have negative effects on children which include:
- The need to seek mental health support
- Behavioral problems
- Problems with depression and other mood disorders
- More likely to drop out of high school
- More likely to divorce as adults
Therefore, if divorce is your only option left on the table, it’s imperative that you put your children first in this process to give them the best chance at a successful life as they age into adulthood.
Besides this most critical step above, here are some other ways parents can put their children first during a divorce process.
Create a Realistic Parenting Schedule
Managing schedules amongst a family is hard enough when things aren’t haywire and can be all that more difficult during and after a divorce. Developing a manageable and realistic parenting schedule needs to consider your child’s age as well as their personality.
If you have young children not yet in school, how can you best keep continuity going for their meals, socialization, and bedtime routine? If they’re a little bit older and are in school, they would need to be managed differently as well. Are they in extracurricular activities at school or outside of school playing sports or doing dance or gymnastics? These activities are likely very fulfilling for them, so a solid plan needs to be developed to keep them going without additional hiccups. Your child’s personality should also be considered as some may be social butterflies while others may prefer to be more introverted. Keeping them balanced in their routines will also keep them more emotionally stable during this time as children thrive on a routine.
Create a Process for Major Decisions
Disagreements will inevitably occur, so parents who share in decision making around major issues such as medical care, religious studies, education, and extracurricular activities need to have a process in place to resolve disagreements when they arrive.
An example would be that you’ve both been on the same page about medical issues, but now one of you wants your child to go to therapy, and the other one doesn’t see the need. When we work with divorcing couples at Plotnick Law Firm, we encourage parenting plans that involve multiple steps for major decisions.
- Parents discuss the issue at hand
- Go for a consultation and information gather if more perspective is needed (i.e. doctor, teacher, counselor)
- Meet with a neutral third party such as a mediator before bringing the issue back in front a judge and potentially create more resentment and hostility
Steps like these can go a long way in not only smoothing out the process, but also cutting down in post-divorce litigation.
Let Go of Your Ego
This may very well be the most difficult task a parent has while going through a divorce and putting their children’s needs ahead of their own. This requires divorcing parents to be honest with themselves about their motivations and their life expectations post-divorce.
If one parent has primarily stayed at home raising the children, then being forced to co-parent could be a loss to their identity. “The kids need to be with me more because that’s how it’s always been…,” is a common plea. Ironically, the divorce sometimes creates the opposite effect and forces the other parent to become more involved and take on more parenting responsibilities.
On the other hand, a parent who travels weekly for work needs be realistic when they request 50 per cent parenting time. For both parents, being honest with themselves and understanding both their strengths and limitations is the key to this process.
Divorce creates major life adjustments, but if handled properly, can still foster a positive environment for children long term. One of the best predictors of a child doing well post-divorce is for them to have a positive relationship with both parents.
This whole process can be extremely difficult and it’s ok to seek assistance through a therapist who specializes in divorce. Being in therapy during the divorce process can help you sort through painful emotions (so your children don’t have to be your support system – you need to be theirs!) and make decisions that are good for your children, their future, and your future too.
A child specialist in divorce can ensure that your children’s needs remain front and center during this process.
Divorce means huge changes in the lives of children. It can also mean direct involvement in conflict between parents, changes in where they live, economic hardship, broken bonds with a parent, loss of emotional security and a multitude of emotional stressors.
Parents can lessen the negative effects of divorce on their children if they can follow recommendations like these above. While the legal process of divorce has its own cross to bear apart from children’s needs, not losing focus and putting them first during this process will create the best possible environment for them moving forward.
